Starting over

Joy encompassed me when I finally found myself. Lost in that moment of bliss, I started designing my next steps. It's only up from here, right? I really wanted the answer to that question to be a resounding yes! As I twirled in the bliss of owning my creativity, the people around me started to disappear. One by one. My mind started to fog. Is this even what I really wanted? Do I want to be a creative entrepreneur?

As I reassured myself of my decision, two thoughts rested on me. Am I running from something? Or am I running to something? The answer to those questions terrified me. 

Yes, I was running from something. Feelings of loneliness, lack of self-worth, pain, and so much more haunted me for as long as I can remember. I never felt good enough. Until... I made a waist bead for a colleague and it was well-received. It felt good to be appreciated and I wanted more of that feeling. Other people asked me to make them jewelry. And I did. But when they received their handmade piece, they went their way. It was transactional. The burst of joy disappeared and I was alone again until their friends wanted me to make something. Of course. I want everyone to be happy. Eventually, I figured if I created a business my success will speak for itself, and then people will like me. 

I was running to stardom. Oh, to be important! Oh, to be the person people miss when you aren't in the room. I was running to finally be able to say, look at me now, to all the people who looked down on me and gave me a hard time. 

Reality hurts. I stepped away from jewelry because I don't need to run anymore. But you know what, joy found me again. This time, there weren't any strings attached. As I learn to let go, exist, explore my creativity on my own terms, and quite frankly, do whatever the heck I want, I am finding contentment. 

Slightly unrelated. I've been reading the chapter of Ecclesiastes in the Bible (NIV) and the author repeats "everything is meaningless" throughout the chapter. That resonated with me because in the grand scheme of existence, will the ripples I make during my time on Earth make a huge difference to anyone?


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